Quitting Sucks

After finally losing the weight that I wanted to lose, I decided that in an effort to continue on a healthier path that it was time to quit smoking. It is now day 3 and all I can think about is those Nicorette commercials that say, "Quitting sucks, Nicorette helps it suck less." When comparing quitting cold turkey to using an aid like Nicorette (as I am doing) that may be true but I have to say that right now, I'm not the person you want to be around.

I hate everything and everybody! Especially the people who sit outside and enjoy their smokes with reckless abandon. Maybe because I'm so miserable right now, I feel nostalgic. I enjoyed every single ciggy I ever inhaled. I like the way that they smell. I liked that it kept all the people that turned up their noses and whispered under their breath "filthy habit" at least 10 feet away from me in any direction. If you are one of those people, don't tell me how wonderful it is to finally be able to be around me now that I don't reek of cigarettes. I still hate you and just because I'm not smoking, that is not an open invitation to enter my "airspace."

In order to keep my committment to not smoking, I've taken up exercise. I hated to exercise before and I still hate it, but it helps to alleviate the anxiety that I feel being off the smokes. On top of that, I'm ensuring that I don't gain all my weight back by replacing one habit, smoking, with another, mindless eating. Unfortunately, I have to work out like a body-builder in order to alleviate my anxiety so my whole body is sore.

To recap, I'm miserable. I'm lashing out. I'm hateful. I still don't like people who comment on other people's bad habits. I'm only on day 3.

Give me an inch and I'll take a mile

I have to say that Phase 3 is just as difficult for me as Phase 2. On the VLCD the rules are clear. There are only a couple of foods that you can have and you can have a limited amount of them. Even though Phase 3 is a little more relaxed there are still things that you can't have: sugar, starches (potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash, bananas, etc.), breads. You can have a bit more dairy, a little more oil(i.e. light cooking spray) and more of the same chicken, beef, vegetables, and fruits. Basically, you can eat hyper-healthy. Therein lies the rub.

For the past 4 weeks, I would have killed somebody for a cube of colby jack cheese. Now that I can have a little cheese, it isn't that important to me. What I really crave now is a box of Valentine candy. The second my brain realizes that a certain food is verboten, that's the only thing that I want. I don't just want a taste, I want to each the whole thing in one setting.

As of now, I have adhered to the diet as if I were a religious zealot. I just hope that I can continue to adhere to it over the coming weeks.

Food addiction is a reality.

Every time I have heard about food addiction, I have scoffed. "It's a question of self-discipline," I would tell myself, "those people are just being lazy." To a certain extent, that may be true, but only partially. Like any addiction, the addict has to continuously fight the urge to surrender to the temptation. That takes a certain measure of willpower. Some people have the willpower to resist it consistently (they're the super skinny people), others surrender occassionally, others rarely resist and find themselves struggling with their weight their whole lives.
Reformed alcoholics or smokers can smell alcohol or cigarettes a mile away. After adhering to a diet that allowed me the bare minimum amount of calories and allowed no wiggle room for oil, butter, bread, sugar, alcohol etc., I can tell you that I can smell a muffin at room temperature 100 feet away. My husband had one Twizzler two hours ago and I could tell you the exact second that he swallowed it. I never realized the struggle my husband endured being a diabetic. Limiting yourself to miniscule portions of bread and sugar is like a crack head limiting himself to smoking crack once a week.
I can only wonder if this is going to be as difficult for me for the rest of my life as it is today. If so, so be it. I have made a committment to myself to stay thin. Today, I donated all the clothes that no longer fit me. There is no longer a question as to whether or not I will maintain my weight loss. I have gotten used to the habit of weighing in every morning and adjusting my eating habits to keep the weight off. I guess being aware of my proclivity for overindulging is a battle won.

The Stall

There is nothing more frustrating than following a diet to the letter only to find that your weight loss has stalled. Maybe it's my body telling me, "This is as good as it gets." Maybe it's just a fluke. Either way, I'm at a point where I have to make a decision. If my stall hasn't broken by tomorrow, I think I may just throw in the towel. Don't get me wrong, I have lost nearly 20 lbs in three weeks which is an amazing accomplishment. Unfortunately, it just isn't my goal weight. In all honesty, I have to say that if it truly is my fate to be 10 lbs higher than where I would like to be, it isn't the end of the world. I just struggle with not meeting a goal that I've set for myself. On the other hand, actually being able to eat something besides chicken and lettuce is certainly going to be nice. Should my stall continue into tomorrow, I will start the third phase of the diet. Even 10 lbs heavier than my goal, I'm a thinner Maggie and happier for it.

Some days are better than others

Life has been fairly hectic for me lately. Working full time, being a wife and mother, and going to school full time to finally finish my degree has certainly kept me on my toes. This diet seems to be the only thing lately under my control. This week wasn't horrible and the weight loss has been fairly steady with few stalls so that is definitely encouraging, but to be honest with you, I despise every single morsel of food that I put in my mouth. If I told you that tonight, I would be dining on steak and broccoli, you may think, "Meh, her life isn't that bad." The reality of it is that I'm eating a peice of steak smaller than the table scraps that I would feed to my 9 lb miniature schnauzer and broccoli that is flavored with my own tears since I can't have butter or oil of any kind whatsover, then you may think of it a little differently. Thankfully this diet has immediate results so whenever I start to feel like every aspect of my life sucks nads, I look down at the scale and see a little more weight has dropped off my fat corpus and I feel a little better. Today just isn't one of those days.

End of week 1 - Deja Vu All Over Again

I was reading back through my previous posts and I realized how short my memory is when it comes to my own personal suffering. Today, I thought that this round of HCG is harder than any of my previous rounds. Going back through my blog and reading my posts, I realize that this round is just as hard as all the other rounds. The difference is my willingness to throw in the towel. I get to a point where I think, "Well, at least I'm not as fat as I was before. This is good enough." But it's not good enough, it's not, "AWESOME!" It's "Meh.

Reading my old posts helped reassure me that I do have this in me and I will continue.

10 lbs down at the end of week 1.

Minor setback!

Everybody has them and I'm no different. Frequently with HCG, the Time of Month (TOM) can cause a setback. This morning, I was up 157.4 after being down to 156.6 yesterday. It can be pretty frustrating to work really hard to stick to a diet only to experience a setback, but I think that it's really important to keep the ultimate goal in mind and soldier on. My ultimate goal is 140 and it's so close that I can taste it!

This weekend, I had a wonderful conversation with a fellow mom on my son's baseball team. She said that she was going to try the HCG diet and expressed her frustration with other diets that she had tried that did not produce long-lasting results. I can totally relate. I only tried a million different diets and while I would lose 10 lbs in the short term, I would gain 15-20 after I stopped whatever I was doing. With this diet I know (after going on maintenance for 5 weeks without gaining any weight back) that this is long term change for me.

It can also be frustrating living in a house where nobody else had really had to live with weight issues. My husband, while SUPER supportive, has never had a weight problem. Sure, he gained weight with me through all of my pregnancies, but I think something happens to a woman's metabolism when she goes through a hormone trauma like childbirth. He understands my weight struggle like he understood post-partum depression. He could tell me what he thought I should do to snap out of it, but without understanding the changes that were going on in my body, that advice was futile.

So, while the setback this morning was frustrating, I am still keeping my eye on the prize and making sure that I do what it takes to reach that magic number of 140:-)

Maggie